I got divorced 5 years ago and jumped head first into a Narcissistically abusive relationship for 2.5 years…that made me rethink my WHOLE life.
The End of him…was the beginning of ME.
I know what happened…I was there…the abuser knows what he did…he was there…but will forever deny it and that’s the reality of an abusive relationship.
Ever heard an Abuser admit to abuse? ummmm….NO.
My Real Story starts here….
In the last few months of the relationship I saw posts on Narcissistic abuse and recognized the patterns of his abuse in dismay.
I started my research by listening to ‘Psychopath Free’ by Jackson MacKenzie.
This was MY story start to end.
Jackson had written MY story!
I started to watch YouTube videos and learned all I could learn about NPD.
Boy was I in shock!!!!
I was shocked that there were 1000s and 1000s of others with the EXACT same story as mine.
People with NPD are text book…their abuse patterns are universal.
They ALL use the same play book of abuse.
It’s strange…but true.
I would hardly believe this story had I not experienced it myself.
I was only a pawn in the chess game of a man with NPD…and I was absolutely clueless that this even existed.
I started writing on Narcissistic Support forums sharing my story and reading about other survivor’s identical stories.
We were ALL dating the ‘same’ man…just wearing a different hat.
Out of 1000s of people on the Support forum I was invited to do 2 podcasts…to share my pitiful experience…THAT was NO coincidence.
I was encouraged to keep writing…so I did.
We should not underestimate the significance of an Emotional Manipulator in our lives.
They are not sent to us to share good feelings.
But they do serve a purpose…they will poke at your vulnerabilities and tear you to shreds…and then be on their merry way on to their next target…leaving you with horrendous trauma and awful emotional baggage to deal with.
They are just a mere catalyst in our lives…to tear down a faulty foundation…that will force us to bring out the best versions of ourselves…while they remain their same dysfunctional selves…FOREVER.
Narcissism does not occur in a vacuum…it requires participants…I was that participant.
I take full responsibility of my part in this dynamic.
The abuse would never have occurred had I been ‘aware’ that such people existed and had left at the FIRST red flag…when he told me dating him was like winning the lottery.
It most certainly was…I am a millionaire worth my weight in gold…with the knowledge and wisdom I accumulated through this experience.
He is a lesson of a lifetime that I don’t intend on repeating.
My wake up call to reality.
I crawled out of something very painful and toxic…but it has culminated in an amazing way for me.
There is no going back to the person you ‘were’ once you realize you were Narcissistically abused.
There is NO MORE living in denial.
What emerges after gaining that truth is the real YOU…the strongest YOU will come out to save you…hang on to THAT person…hang on to the real YOU.
I can offer a lot of knowledge on NPD through my personal experience supported by my research.
To understand this type of emotional abuse I had to research ALL his dysfunctional techniques, how he used them on me and how I reacted.
I don’t claim to be an expert on NPD by any means, but I am an expert of my own experience.
God knows they have their own cross to bare…and deserve our pity.
While we can heal…they cannot…they just learn to mask it better.
My intention is to bring awareness to why we become part of such a dynamic and how to bring forgiveness, compassion and empathy first for ourselves…then for others…even after all the foolishness and cruelty that occurred.
My intention is to share my journey with you and bits of hard earned knowledge…and perhaps help bring about some light bulb moments in you.
Together we can reconnect to ourselves again after emotional trauma…to make us into who we were truly meant to be…
Our most Authentic Selves.
My clarity of the experience through research and acknowledging my own part in this dynamic is my own closure.
I am still a work in progress…but I am out of the quicksand of delusion.
Grateful to this soul mate and the lesson he provided…but I will be even more grateful if I can share this lesson with others.
Why waste a good lesson.
Speaking our truth first to ourselves and next to the world is the first step on this journey.
I hope you can join me.
Healed pain is wisdom.
Knowledge is power.
Forgiveness, Love and a whole lot of Courage.
♥️♥️♥️
You are blessed Paula. Thank you for sharing! Not sure if this is the space to voice my thoughts but you can let me know if it’s not appropriate. My perspective comes from the biblical standpoint….
It doesn’t feel good to fail ..we were originally created perfect ..in God’s image .. as you’ve said , authentic self. But since we all live in imperfection now, it takes vulnerability to allow the mistake/s to be on open display.. like you’re doing here… so that we can be refined! We are called to not make place for darkness to rule in us ..speaking the truth in love lets the light in. I think narcissists, amongst others, choose to remove their vulnerability from another’s reach. It takes courage to be vulnerable. Even narcissists have authentic selves.. but are unable to have authentic relationships which I think require mutual respect and vulnerability ..our Creator calls us to love and honor and walk in humility. I love that you have forgiven… Wow!! It is freeing!! Pray for those who persecute you. Because narcissists are self righteous and selfish… who would bother praying for them ?!! We have choice.. the best choice, I believe, is to invite intervention from our Creator Father, for ourselves and for others, so that there is more opportunity for all to walk in freedom. He blesses this humility… . The Truth will set you free❤
Thank you Elaine for taking the time to comment.
It is very hard to conceptualize that someone who says they love you is also harming you.
The 2 do not go together…it does not make sense…that’s why we stay in those types of relationships for as long as we do.
Forgiving MYSELF for not protecting my own self was the hardest thing I had to do.
Forgiving him with no apologies or closure and with so much emotional trauma to deal with was no easy task either.
Writing this blog helps in my own healing by sharing my truth and makes me accountable to my own process.
I am aware Narcissistic people are very hurt people that have not found a way to heal so they hurt others.
I personally know 2 other women that he tried his game with but did not get far because they were with him for a very short time.
They lucked out and escaped the abuse.
I stayed…so I didn’t.
I did love this person…so my prayers for him are that he heals his pain before he harms another.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts…it is very much appreciated ♥️